The Blues SeeDs
by Ronin2
Summary: A FF8 parody of The Blues Brothers. What can I say? Finished at last, now that Chap.9 is up!!
1. Sweet & Sour Charity

THE BLUES SeeDs  
  
First things first, as you can guess, Final  
Fantasy 8 is a trademark of Square while  
The Blues Brothers is trademark of   
Universal Films, whatever you like it or not,   
eh? Now let's get started.  
  
CHAPTER 1:  
Sweet & Sour Charity  
  
(Scene #1: Outside Galbadia's D-District Prison.  
We see the Estharian ship, the Ragnarok, parked  
two yards from the now submerging desert prison.  
Standing next to the ship, in a Blues Brothers suit,  
tie, sunglasses, and porkpie hat, is Selphie Tilmitt.  
Just now, the prison stops sinking and out comes  
Quistis Trepe, also in Blues Brothers togs. The ladies  
exchange hugs.)  
  
Selphie: Quisty!! Welcome back, sweetie!!  
  
Quistis: Oh, baby doll!! Listen, you got to stay away  
from that pepper steak, it's a nightmare....  
  
Selphie: Super-Duper-Mega-Bummer. Well, let's   
head over to General Caraway's home.  
  
Quistis: General Caraway?  
  
Selphie: You don't remember? We promised the  
General we'd meet up for a meeting.  
  
Quistis: No wonder Rinoa moved out to Timber.  
  
(Quistis and Selphie board the Ragnarok while  
She Got The Katy plays in the background.   
From there, they take off and fly to Deling  
City. But just then, down below, a group  
of Galbadian BGH251F2 tanks lumber off, firing   
their surface to air weapons.)  
  
Selphie: Oh-oh.....we got company. Hang on.  
  
Quistis: I shoulda stayed in bed.  
  
Selphie: A bit late for that.  
  
(With the BGH251F2s firing their guns, chasing  
the Ragnarok before crashing into the big archway  
that had been used to trap Sorceress Edea Kramer,  
our heroines land near Caraway's house.)   
  
(Scene #2: Moments later, Selphie and Quistis   
enter the house and meet before Caraway.)  
  
Caraway: So, how's the pepper steak?  
  
Quistis: Don't ask. So what's on your mind?  
  
Caraway: Dire news to say the least. It seems   
that we owe 70,000 gil to Galbadia's Galbadian  
Revenue Service--GRS for short--lest Balamb,  
Galbadia and Trabia Garden close down.  
  
Selphie: Like I said, Super-Duper-Mega-Bummer!!  
  
Quistis: Oh, me!! What'll we do?  
  
Caraway: That is where YOU come in. YOU've  
got to get 70,000 gil and get it to the main  
GRS building here in Deling City.  
  
Selphie: Pfft. How do we get it?  
  
Quistis: Why not gamble till we raise the gil we  
need to pay--  
  
Caraway: You out of your minds?!? You want   
Jimmy The Greek to turn over in his grave?  
  
Selphie: Never mind. Come on, Quisty,  
let's get some insparation for the sake of our  
stupid parody.  
  
(Outside Caraway's home is Xu, who greets   
the SeeDs.)  
  
Xu: Selphie!! Quistis!! Did you hear the bad news?  
  
Selphie: Yup. There ain't NO WAY we can raise 70,000  
gil in time. Even Square's bigwigs can be stingy with   
their money.  
  
Quistis: Not to mention the recession we're in now.  
  
Xu (after a pause): Say, why don't you head to  
planet Spira an' check out the Yevonites in  
the town of Besaid? Their Yevon Fayth  
could give you inspiration.  
  
Selphie: Yevon.....could that be in cahoots  
with The Great Hyne?  
  
Quistis: Wouldn't hurt.  
  
(Scene #3: Selphie & Quistis rocket off onboard  
the Ragnarok, and fly off to the planet Spira.  
In moments they're inside the Besaid temple,  
where we hear a group of Yevonites singing The  
Hymn Of The Fayth.)  
  
The Yevonites:  
Ieyui  
Nobomeno  
Renmiri  
Yojuyogo  
Hasatekanae  
Kutamae  
  
(Suddenly, Quistis starts levitating up in the air,  
to Selphie's amazement, before gently landing  
back on her feet.)  
  
Quistis: The band......!!  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! What chuu do, Quisty, turn  
into a sorceress?  
  
Quistis: No, but I think....I just reached Nirvana--  
an' a solution to raise 70,000 gil to save The   
Gardens--do a benefit with our band, The Blues  
SeeDs.  
  
Selphie: Booyaka!! But what if our bandmates   
don't wanna get back together?  
  
Quistis: THEN we gamble till we win 'nuff gil.  
  
Selphie: An' get in trouble with Jimmy The  
Greek?  
  
(Scene #4: The Ragnarok, having come back  
from Spira, is flying low over Deling City,   
while Selphie's CD player is playing Sam &  
Dave's Hold On, I Am Coming, when a squadron   
of new Galbadian Thrace class fighter ships  
surround them. Right now one of the pilots  
talks to the SeeDs via comlink.)  
  
Pilot: Hey, you in the Estharian ship, pull over!!  
  
(The Ragnarok and the fighters land in a local  
park; one of the Galbadian soldiers comes out  
to meet with Selphie, who's standing outside  
the Ragnarok.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier: Hey, stupid, didn't you know  
you were flyin' so low over the city?   
  
Selphie: Oop....sorry 'bout that.  
  
Galbadian Soldier: Lemme see your ID.  
  
(Selphie gives the Galbadian a card; the  
soldier examines it before giving it back  
to the SeeD.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier: Selphie Tilmitt, eh?  
Wait here.  
  
(The soldier heads back to his fighter,  
just as Selphie turns to Quistis.)  
  
Selphie: Let's ged outa here 'fore  
the 'Badians use their UCS.  
  
Quisitis: Say what?  
  
Selphie: The Universal Computer  
System.  
  
(While the SeeDs run back in the ship,   
the Galbadian soldier is using his onboard  
computer in his fighter ship; its screen   
now reads: SELPHIE TILMITT. A SeeD  
FROM TRABIA GARDEN, NOW IN BALAMB  
GARDEN. SUGGEST IMPOUNDING THEM,  
OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT. Then the   
soldier heads back to the Ragnarok--  
which takes off.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier: Hey, come back here!!  
  
(It doesn't take long for the Thrace fighters--  
soon to be joined with another phalanx of  
BGH251F2s to chase the Ragnarok, and,  
just like in The Blues Brothers film, crash   
through the shopping section of the city,  
crashing through some stores.)  
  
Quistis: Hey, there's some new T-Boards.  
  
Selphie: Remind me to get one for Zell.  
  
(In the end, the Thrace ships try to   
block the Ragnarok from the front,  
while the BGH251F2s come on   
behind. Then, the dragon ship aims   
high and rockets up and out, just before   
the Galbadians open fire on each other.  
Soon, all that remains is several   
piles of junk; one smoked Galbadian  
soldier staggers out.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier: Seifer ain't goin'  
to like that....  
  
(Scene #5: Selphie lands the Ragnarok   
behind The Galbadia Hotel, and she   
and Quistis come 'round to the front   
of the building, unaware that across   
the street, in an alleyway, a Laws   
rocket antitank weapon at the ready,   
is FF7's Vincent Valentine.)  
  
Quistis: You live here?  
  
Selphie: For the moment. First thing   
in the--oh, foo, I dropped one of my   
Triple Triad cards!!  
  
Quistis: Where'd it go?  
  
(The gals bend down to search for   
the card--just as Vincent opens  
fire with the launcher which takes   
out a chunk of the wall.)  
  
Vincent: Oh, crabapples.  
  
(Vincent hightails it down the alleyway  
while the SeeDs, having found the card,  
enter the hotel. Inside is Nida.)  
  
Nida: Hey, Selphie!! Did you get me the  
new pack of Triple Triad cards?  
  
Selphie: Sure!! Here you go!! (Tosses the  
pack to Nida.)  
  
Nida: Thanks.  
  
(The gals approach the hotel desk; behind  
it is a woman.)  
  
Selphie: So, any calls today?  
  
Woman: Only one--some blonde dude in an   
overcoat came an' asked for you. Said his name  
was Seifer Almasy.  
  
Selphie: Did you give 'ol Sorceress Knight a copy  
of my address card?  
  
Woman: Yup--just like you told me to; the one   
with the address for 327 Electric Avenue.  
  
Selphie: Thanks. (to Quistis) Let's go.  
  
(Scene #6: Inside one of the upper levels of The  
Galbadia Hotel, in one of their rooms. Quistis   
is sprawled on the bed while Selphie plays a   
blues tune on her CD player.)  
  
Quistis: Hey Selphie--did you say that address  
was 327 Electric Avenue? It's the address for   
the old train station in Fisherman's Horizon.  
  
Selphie: Yup. Works without fail. That dumb 'ol  
Galbadian fell for it hook, line an' stinker.  
  
Quistis: You're shrewd. So how do we get the  
band back together?  
  
Selphie: Let's see....I know that they were  
staying at an hotel in Winhill, so we'll try--  
(spots Quistis dozing off on the bed) HEY!!  
I chose that bed, an' you're sleepin' on it!!  
  
(Finally, Selphie shrugs and covers her friend   
with a blanket before setting on the window   
sill, staring out the window.)  
  
Selphie: Parodies suck sometimes.  
  
Next: Chapter 2: Strike Up The Band. 


	2. Strike Up The Band

CHAPTER 2:  
Strike Up The Band  
  
(Scene #7: Morning, at The Galbadia  
Hotel. We see Selphie and Quistis  
snoozing it off when the Trabian awakes   
before nudging her teacher friend.)  
  
Selphie: Get up, Quisty. We've got to get started.  
  
Quistis (drowsily): Uh, class is in session, my  
beloved Trepies......(shakes awake) Is it  
morning already?  
  
Selphie: Does Omega WEAPON possess   
1,161,000 hit points? Let's go.   
  
(Meanwhile, outside the hotel, Seifer, Rajin,  
Fujin and a squad of Galbadian soldiers arrive.)  
  
Seifer: I figured those girly girlies would be here.  
Y' know that was some nerve of Selphie, her an'  
that fake address card bit, which led to that   
Fisherman's Horizon train station!! That @%#$&*^  
Selphie Tilmitt!!  
  
Raijin: Let's bop 'em in 'da beezlebutt, 'y know.  
  
Fujin: JUSTICE.  
  
Seifer: Onward to victory!!  
  
(But even while Seifer & co. enter the hotel,  
across the street, in his alley is Vincent. In   
one hand is a radio control unit, with a red   
push button marked DETONATE. Inside the  
hotel, Seifer's bunch stop before Selphie  
and Quistis' hotel room door and Seifer  
pounds on it.)  
  
Seifer: Come on outa here, you SeeD   
bimbos!! In the name of The   
Galbadian Army, we got the drop on you!!  
  
Selphie: That sucks....  
  
Quistis: I got a feelin' the bottom's likely  
to drop out next.  
  
(At that moment, Vincent pushes the   
DETONATE button--and The Galbadia  
Hotel explodes. That done, he hightails  
it down the alley. All that remains of   
the hotel, is a pile of bricks, which   
Selphie and Quistis crawl out from.)  
  
Selphie: You HAD to say that, didn't   
you....?!?  
  
Quistis: Big deal. Let's make like a  
drum an' beat it.  
  
(The SeeDs hightail it out before Seifer   
and co. crawl out.)  
  
Seifer: What hit me?  
  
Raijin: Maybe it was Sorceress Ultimecia,  
'y know.  
  
Fujin: RAGE!!  
  
(Fujin starts to kick Raijin, but loses  
her balance and falls on the bricks.)  
  
Fujin: PAIN!!  
  
(Scene #8: Winhill. With Henry Mancini's   
Peter Gunn playing in the background,   
Selphie and Quistis arrive at the home  
that once belonged to Laguna and Raine.  
A woman opens the door and greets the  
gals.)  
  
Woman: What can I do for you?  
  
Selphie: Have you seen a group of SeeDs  
from Balamb Garden, under the leadership  
of one Irvine Kinneas?  
  
Woman: Why, yes, they used to room and  
board here on occasion; they just moved out  
to Timber. Here's their card. (gives Selphie  
a business card) What's up, you Galbadian  
repo officers?  
  
Selphie: No, we're SeeDs ourselves.  
  
Quistis: We're on a mission from Hyne.  
  
(After parting with the woman, Selphie  
reads from the card.)  
  
Selphie (reading the card): "Irvine's Local  
Pub Combo. Ladies entertained free." (sighs)  
Some things never change.  
  
Quistis: Next stop, Timber.  
  
(Scene #9: The pub in Timber. Selphie and Quistis  
enter just as Irvine and his group finish up, a belching  
Rinoa using an organ and drum machine combo, Irvine  
playing his electric guitar, Ellone on trombone, Edea on  
sax and Cid on trumpet. From there, the said Irvine  
steps to the mike.)  
  
Irvine: Thaaaank you s-o much, folks. We'll take a break  
an' we'll play our version of the classic tune Sunrise, Sunset  
as well as Melencholy Baby for any laaaaaadies willin' to   
spend their time with me. Be right back.  
  
Rinoa (belching): BURRRRRRRRRRP!! 'Scuze me.  
  
Ellone: Gesundheit.  
  
(Irvine turns on a boombox, and it plays a real tacky,  
cheesy muzak version of Eyes On Me. From there,  
his group sets down to a table with the SeeD gals.)  
  
Irvine: Well, Selphie, an' bossy Quisty, long time no see.  
  
Edea: I didn't think you'd get paroled so soon. How's   
the food there at D-District?  
  
Quistis: Just stay away from that pepper steak.  
  
Ellone: Pepper steak? That sucks.  
  
Cid: By the by, what 's on your mind?  
  
Selphie: Just the fact we're puttin' the band   
back together. You jokers were the backbone  
of The Blues SeeDs.  
  
Rinoa: You're out of your minds. You gals owe  
everyone here money.  
  
Quistis: I already did--it's why I wound up in  
The D-District Prison in the first place--when  
I paid you my tax money that was supposed  
to be earmarked for The GRS.  
  
Irvine: So? You owe me and the others more  
money for puttin' The Blues SeeDs back  
together. An' besides, can't you see Squall an'  
Zell ain't here?  
  
Selphie: No wonder those two ain't here.  
  
Edea: Squall is now the new head waiter at  
The Supreme Elegant Restraunt in Dollet;  
it's doubtful he'll be willing to part from his  
high paying work.  
  
Quistis: I thought a SeeD salary was even   
higher.  
  
Ellone: Zell, on the other hand, is helping  
his mom, Ma Dincht at The Balamb Diner,   
an' there ain't no way she'll allow her  
SeeD son to get back to his electric  
guitar.  
  
Selphie: Well it beats playin' Sunrise,  
Sunset without end. Not to mention  
Melencholy Baby.  
  
Quistis: 'Sides, we're on a mission from   
Hyne.  
  
Irvine: From HYNE?!?  
  
(Irvine and co. instantly jump up to their feet.)  
  
Irvine, Cid, Edea, Ellone & Rinoa: WHERE   
DO WE SIGN?!?  
  
Selphie: I knew you'd see it our way.  
  
Rinoa: BURRRRRRRRP!!  
  
Cid: How rude!! You should take something   
for your belching habit.  
  
Rinoa: What'll you give me?  
  
(Scene #10: Dollet, at night, inside  
The Supreme Elegant Restraunt. We  
see Squall, in the fanciest tuxedo, taking  
reservations on the phone, just as Quistis  
and Selphie enter.)  
  
Squall: Ok, we'll book you as soon as possible.  
(sees Quistis and Selphie) Well....!! You sure got   
out of jail in a thrice, Instructor.  
  
Quistis: Yup. Listen, what sort of eats you got  
here in the joint? I've had it with pepper  
steak.  
  
Selphie: Ditto.  
  
Squall (flustered and stammering): Listen, you  
two, you're in a high caliber, if not costly  
place. You don't.....!!  
  
Selphie: It's OK, we're SeeDs. (She and Quistis  
push their way to a table in the center of the  
main banquet hall and set themselves down.)  
  
Squall: Hey, you can't do that!! I mean the place  
is loaded with sky high priced food here!! You  
want me in a lawsuit with Square?!?  
  
Quistis: Rinoa was right--you're a meanie.  
Hey, Garcon!! (pause) HEY!! GED OVER HERE!!!!  
  
(Groups of waiters run to Quistis and Selphie's   
table, to the chagrin of Squall and the other diners.)  
  
Selphie: Les see--four Shrimp Louies, four tacos,  
two plates of nachos....  
  
Quistis: ....two hot dogs and a bottle of Esthar  
Moonwind champagne.  
  
Squall: ESTHAR MOONWIND??!!?? That stuff costs  
a FORTUNE!!!!  
  
Selphie: So what else is new? Listen, we're puttin'   
the band back together.  
  
Squall: As in The Blues SeeDs? I knew it!!  
  
Quistis: That ain't all--we're recruitin' Zell next.  
  
Squall: Whatever.......  
  
(The waiters come back, bringing the food, and  
the SeeD gals waste no time in making pigs of  
themselves, belching and cramming their gullets,  
to the annoyance of the other diners.)  
  
Squall (testy and annoyed): What're you tryin' to   
do, get me in heat with The Dollet Dukedom?!?  
  
Quistis: Don't be a killjoy, we need you for our  
band!!  
  
Selphie: We're on a mission from Hyne.  
  
(Near Selphie and Quistis' table, is a table  
featuring the following FF7 characters--  
Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Zack, Yuffie and Reno.  
Right now, Cloud taps Squall's arm for his  
attention.)  
  
Squall: What?  
  
Cloud: Listen, could you seek out a table  
away from those bimbos? They're ruinin'  
our meal.  
  
Aeris: They're violatin' every rule written  
by Emily Post.  
  
Tifa: They're makin' pigs of themselves.  
  
Zack: They got better food than we do.  
  
Yuffie: They're runnin' up a sky high bill.  
  
Reno: An' worst of all, they dress in  
better suits than me an' The Turks.  
  
Squall: Whatever....I'll see what I can   
do.  
  
(Just then, Quistis slaps Zack on the  
shoulder.)  
  
Quistis: Hey you--how much for the   
brunette sweetie babe?  
  
Zack: You're nuts!!  
  
Tifa: Chee, I didn't think I had any  
female admirers.  
  
Cloud: HEY, WAITER!! Where's the   
next table?!?  
  
(Squall runs up.)  
  
Squall (way beyond agitated): Stop  
it now, you two!! SCRAM!!  
  
Quistis: We got to put the band   
back together!!  
  
Selphie: An' if you don't join up,  
we'll be comin' here each night an'   
drive you nuts.  
  
Squall: Just like 'ol Rinoa sayin'  
"concert, concert, concert." (sighs)  
You win. Just don't do any Animal  
House impressions next time. By  
the by.....is Rinoa still belching?  
  
Quistis: What do you think?  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! One more   
to go. (to Squall) Just put it all   
on Square's bill.  
  
Squall: Whatever.........  
  
(With that in mind, the gals finish  
their meal and hightail it out.)  
  
(Scene #11: Balamb, morning. Quistis  
and Selphie enter The Balamb Diner  
and seat themselves at the counter just  
as Ma Dincht shows up.)  
  
Ma Dincht: Well, it seems we've got   
some well to do women here. What   
chuu want?  
  
Selphie: Got any nachos an' Trabia  
Diet Cola?  
  
Ma Dincht: Sure.  
  
Selphie: I'll take four nacho dishes  
an' a Trabia Diet Cola.  
  
Ma Dincht: O-kay. (to Quistis) You?  
  
Quistis: Got any hot dogs?  
  
Ma Dincht: The best hot dogs in Balamb.  
Guess my son ain't the only one.   
Anything else?  
  
Quistis: Four chili dogs and Esthar   
Diet Cola.  
  
Ma Dincht: Hang on.  
  
(From there, Ma Dincht enters the kitchen  
where Zell is at a stove.)  
  
Zell: 'S up, Ma?  
  
Ma Dincht: We got a couple of zany women.   
The first one wants four nacho dishes and a   
Trabia Diet Cola....  
  
Zell: Selphie.....!!  
  
Ma Dincht:....and the other wants four  
chili dogs and a Esthar Diet Cola.  
  
Zell: Quistis!! The Blues SeeDs!!  
  
(Zell exits the kitchen and heads  
to Selphie and Quistis.)  
  
Zell: HEY!! 'S up? How's D-District,  
Instructor?  
  
Quistis: The pepper steak there is a   
nightmare. (pause) Listen, we're  
puttin' the band back together.  
  
Zell (frightful): Shhhh!! If my ma hears   
that, she'll shred my jockey shorts!! No   
court's goin' to convict her!!  
  
Selphie: Hey, don't be a wet blanket, Zellers.  
We need you. You're our virtuoso guitarist.  
We'll even throw in all the hot dogs you can eat.  
  
(As fate would have it, Ma Dincht walks in.)  
  
Ma Dincht: Sorry but I overheard. There ain't  
NO WAY my son is goin' wit no two bit band  
an' playin' in them sleazy joints.  
  
Zell: Ah, Ma, you're talkin' 'bout The Blues SeeDs.  
  
Ma Dincht: The Blues SeeDs?!? They still owe you  
money.  
  
Selphie: Listen, would you reconsider if we told you  
we were on a holy quest?  
  
Ma Dincht: What do you mean?  
  
Quistis: Y' see, we're on a mission from Hyne.  
  
Ma Dincht (almost freaking out): Don't you  
blaspheme in here!! Don't you blaspheme  
in here!! Listen--that is my son, an' you can   
hightail it outa here without your four   
nacho dishes and a Trabia Diet Cola an'  
your four chili dogs and a Esthar Diet Cola.  
  
Zell: You don't know that, Ma. It could be   
our big chance. 'Sides, it could benfit the  
diner--an' for the good of Square.  
  
Ma Dincht: Fine--but if that Seifer calls you   
Chicken-Wuss, don't come cryin' to me.  
  
Zell: Not when I got my GFs at hand   
(to Selphie and Quistis) Let's go!!  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!!  
  
Quistis: Let's rock an' ride!!  
  
(From there, Zell, Selphie and Quistis  
exit the diner, Ma Dincht standing in  
wonderment.)  
.  
  
Ma Dincht: I wonder if they CAN   
benefit the diner?  
Next: Chapter 3: Of Local Rogues  
Galleries & Music Shops 


	3. Of Local Rogues Galleries & Music Shops

CHAPTER 3  
Of Local Rogues Galleries & Music Shops  
  
(Scene #12: At the Balamb docks, Sephiroth,   
Rufus, Hojo, Corneo, Kefka, Seymour,   
NORG, Adel and Ultimecia, from FF7, 6,  
10 and 8 respectively, stage a rally  
on the pier, while a crowd of irate   
Balambites, held back by a phalanx of   
Galbadian soldiers protest.)  
  
Townsperson #1: Ged outa here!!   
  
Townsperson #2: Hey, why don't you  
all go back where you came from?!?  
  
The Big Bad Rascal: You all suck!!  
  
Sephiroth: What do we want?  
  
Rufus, Hojo, Corneo, Kefka,  
Seymour, NORG, Adel &   
Ultimecia: BIG PAY CHECKS!!  
  
Sephiroth: When do we want it?  
Rufus, Hojo, Corneo, Kefka,  
Seymour, NORG, Adel &   
Ultimecia: NOW!!  
  
The Mother Of The Big   
Bad Rascal: BOOOOOOOOO!!   
You stink!! Ged outa here!!  
  
Seymour: Ah, button your lip,   
y' ol' horse!!  
  
(Selphie and Quistis approach the   
crowd, stopping before the first  
townsperson.)  
  
Quistis: What's happenin' here?  
  
Townsperson #1: It's pathetic--  
it seems all of Final Fantasy's   
greatest villians won the court  
case to run their protest rally  
for bigger paychecks from Square.  
  
Selphie: They can't do that!! Come   
on, Quisty, let's do somethin' 'bout   
that.  
  
Quistis: But how?  
  
Selphie: Follow me.  
  
(Moments later, the rally   
continues--until the Ragnarok   
swoops out from the sky, sending  
the villians and the Galbadian  
soldiers into the water, to  
the delight of the cheering  
crowd.)  
  
Sephiroth: %@#*&^$!! What  
in the &^*$#%@ was THAT?!?  
  
NORG: Bujururururu!! IT'S-THOSE-  
ESTHARIANS-CRUSIN'-THE-SKIES!!  
  
Adel: Estharians my BUT-TOCKS!!  
It's those so called Blues SeeDs   
an' their Ragnarok!!  
  
Hojo: There goes the neighborhood.  
  
Rufus: Blues SeeDs?  
  
Ultimecia: Adel means Selphie Tilmitt  
and Kwistis Trepe, of Balamb Garden.   
Kurse those kukoo bimbos!!   
  
Corneo: Ah, chickies from Garden!!  
They'll make great brides for me!!  
Hohihi!!  
  
Kefka: Can't you think of anything but  
women, you tubba lard?  
  
Seymour: Hey, save one of those   
SeeDs for me!! Least one of them   
would be better than that dumb Yuna.  
  
Sephiroth: And I say we track them down  
so we can kick their butts!! Let's go!!  
  
(Scene #13: Kiros' Music Store, in   
Fisherman's Horizon. Selphie, Quistis  
and co. enter, eyeing all the instruments.)  
  
Rinoa: Check it out....buuuurrrrrrrrp!!  
  
Squall: Can't you stop belchin' for once?   
  
Zell: I can hardly wait to power my Fender*  
Strat through a Hiwatt amp.  
  
Irvine: Make mine a Gibson an' a Soldano amp.  
  
Quistis: I'll stick with a Charvin bass, with a   
Ampeg bass amp.  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! Lay those Sonor drums   
with Regal drumsticks with Advis Zildjian an'  
Paiste 2002 range cymbals on me!!  
  
Squall: For me and Rinoa, Kurzweil, ARP, Roland,  
Yamaha, Korg, PPG, Oberheim, Moog and so forth,   
with Carver amplification.  
  
Rinoa: You said it, Squally Poop.  
  
Edea: For me, Cid and Ellone, our choice  
for horns must be Selmer.  
  
Ellone & Cid: AAAA-MEN!!  
  
(Just then Kiros arrives on the scene.)  
  
Kiros: If it ain't The Blues SeeDs.  
  
Quistis: Yup--an' if you ask me how   
was The D-District Prison, the pepper steak  
is a big fat letdown.  
  
Kiros: I wouldn't doubt that--but I WAS goin'   
to say that you still owe me 2000 gil.  
  
Selphie: We're still workin' on it!! We promise you,   
when we finish you get twice that amount.  
  
Kiros: Where'd I hear that promise before?  
  
Quistis: Trust me, we need those instruments.  
We're puttin' the band back together.  
  
Selphie: We're on a mission from Hyne.  
  
Kiros (laughing): From HYNE?!? You   
can do better than that. What a half baked  
story....!!  
  
(Rinoa is seen playing a few notes on a   
nearby synth.)  
  
Kiros: Hey, careful how you play that!! It  
costs 120 gil!!   
  
Rinoa: Everyone's a critic.  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
Kiros: No, it ain't no whatever, it's a genuine  
Yamaha GX1. I'll show you.  
  
(So saying, Kiros starts playing it.)  
  
RIDE A CHOCOBO  
Parody of Shake A Tail Feather  
Performed by Kiros Seagill  
  
Kiros:  
Well I heard 'bout the Chocoboy you met  
that day, straight from The Estharian News.  
The puzzles were tough at first,  
now THAT gave you the blues.  
  
(From there, Selphie, Quistis and their  
fellow SeeDs man their instruments and  
play along with Kiros.)  
  
Kiros (continued):  
But I knew that the Chocowhis would   
help you out, an' The Pocketstation's  
outa sight  
an' with Uematsu sama playin' his guitar,  
we can ride your new Chocobo right  
  
Selphie & Quistis:  
Uh huh....  
  
Kiros:  
Ride it right....  
  
Selphie & Quistis:  
Uh huh....  
  
Kiros:  
Ride it right....  
Ride it right.......OH......!!  
  
All:  
Ride on!!  
Let's ride on down to   
Trabia Garden!!  
Where we'll meet Selphie's friend,  
an' we'll get cheesecake,  
an' play Triple Triad.  
Ride on, Squall, lemme see you  
ride a Chocobo,  
ride on, Squall, lemme see you ride  
a Chocobo,  
ride on, Squall, lemme see you ride   
a Chocobo!!  
AH....!!  
  
Kiros:  
Come on!!  
Come on, S. L.!!  
Do the Mog!!  
Now do the Grat.  
Now do the NORG  
An' do the Bomb  
Oh, do the Moomba.  
Ha, ha, the Cactuar.  
The WEAPON,  
an' what 'bout the  
Forbidden?  
Do the Mobile Type 8  
What 'bout the T-Rexaur?  
Oh, the ol' Propagator  
Come on, let's do the   
Biggs.  
AH....!!  
Ride on!!  
Let's ride on down to   
Trabia Garden!!  
Ride on!!  
Let's ride on down to   
Trabia Garden!!  
  
(Outside the store, several of   
Fisherman's Horizon's townspeople   
have been doing an intricate dance step  
before jumping up and cheering at the  
end of the tune. Inside, the SeeDs cheer  
at their impromptu jam session.)  
  
Quistis: Listen, just sell those instruments,  
an' we'll promise you get what you came for.  
  
Kiros: Sure--an IOU for 4000 gil.  
  
Selphie: If we play our cards right, it  
ain't likely to be an IOU.  
  
(Scene #14: The Deep Sea Research Center.  
Sephiroth is seated at a desk with Ultimecia  
at his side when Seifer enters.)  
  
Seifer: You Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth: What's it to you?!?  
  
Seifer: Listen, if it's Quistis an' Selphie you   
wanna kick BUT-TOCKS with, here's their card.  
(gives the card to Sephiroth before exiting.)  
  
Sephiroth: Hmmmm....all so easy. Let's go  
administer some injustice on those bimbos.  
  
Ultimecia: Kurse those bimbos!!  
  
(Scene #15: Downtown Junon, on  
Cloud's planet, at a restraunt, night. The  
Blues SeeDs exit The Ragnarok, and head   
across the street, to the restraunt.)  
  
Selphie: Just head on right in, an' get   
your eats, while me an' Quisty make a few calls.  
  
(From there, Selphie and Quistis head to a   
phone booth, next to a huge propane gas tank   
and enter the booth, without noticing that   
4 yards away, is Vincent with a flamethrower.)  
  
Quistis: Now that we got a band an' instruments,   
we need a gig to play.  
  
Selphie: Not to worry, muchacha. All I got to do  
is call up Sir Laguna.  
  
Quistis: As in the President of Esthar?  
  
Selphie: Sure--remember Laguna used to get  
the coolest places to play back then. You got  
a coin?  
  
Quistis: All I got is a slug.  
  
Selphie: Guess it'll have to do.  
  
(Suddenly Vincent opens fire at the gas tank and  
it explodes, taking the phone booth with it. That  
done, he runs off, while Quistis and Selphie, smoking   
a bit from their Blues Brothers outfits, climb out from   
the booth.)  
  
Selphie: Chee!! The phone company gets burnt up over  
one crummy slug.  
  
Quistis: Besides ourselves....  
  
(Scene #16: Back on Squall's planet, at the Fisherman's  
Horizon train station. Sephiroth and co. stand there   
in disgust.)  
  
Adel: Somethin' tells me we got ripped off.  
  
Sephiroth: Bet heavily on it. Grrrr!! %@#*^$&!!  
  
Seymour: On the plus side, we know the names of  
Selphie and Quistis read out like a rash all over  
the Final Fantasy internet.  
  
Sephiroth: In that case, I want all Final Fantasy  
villians to stand by on all cell phones and  
internet sections. They'd better pray The  
Galbadian Army gets them before we do.  
*Registered trademarks of their respective   
companies. All rights reserved.  
  
Next: Chapter 4: Cid's Roadhouse Rip Off. 


	4. Cid's Roadhouse Rip Off

CHAPTER 4  
Cid's Roadhouse Rip Off  
  
(Scene #17: Still on Cloud's planet,   
over Rocket Town, at night. Inside  
the Ragnarok's control bridge, Edea  
approaches Selphie.)  
  
Edea: Listen, we've been flying for  
15 minutes and we still haven't arrived   
at where we're earmarked to play at.   
Now what's the place we're--  
  
Selphie: Uh, the name of the place is....  
  
(Throught the Ragnarok's window, Quistis  
spots a building in Rocket Town, near The  
Shanghai Inn, with a neon sign reading  
CID'S ROADHOUSE BUNKER.)  
  
Quistis:....Cid's Roadhouse Bunker.  
  
Cid: How 'bout that--another Cid.  
  
Ellone: Well, that is Final Fantasy for you.  
  
Selphie (to Quistis): Cid's Roadhouse   
Bunker?!?  
  
Quistis: A gig's a gig. Trust me.  
  
(Upon landing outside of Rocket Town,  
the SeeDs enter the town, before standing  
before the building. On one side of the   
building, is a marquee reading, TONIGHT  
ONLY, THE RETURNERS.)  
  
Irvine: Uh, Quisty, the sign says, "TONIGHT  
ONLY, THE RETURNERS."  
  
Quistis: Must be a typo; it should read,   
"Tonight only: The Blues SeeDs' Triumphant  
Return."  
  
Squall: Whatever....  
  
Rinoa: BURRRRRP!! Let's go get our  
instruments.  
  
Selphie: Do that, while me an' Quisty get   
set up.  
  
(Entering the roadhouse, Quistis and Selphie  
approach the bar where Shera is at.)  
  
Shera: Well, good evening!! Would you like   
anything? We make the best pepper steak.  
  
Quistis: Yuk, no thanks with an "F". We'll be  
guzzlin' some diet sodas. Y' see, we're the band.  
  
Shera: Well, it's 'bout time!! Cid, here's the band!!  
  
(Cid Highwind enters, standing twixt Quistis and  
Selphie.)  
  
Cid H. : You The Returners?  
  
Quistis: Uh, I think so.  
  
Cid H. : Well, the name's Cid Highwind, an' welcome  
to my roadhouse!!  
  
Selphie: It's a neato joint, to say the least. Booyaka!!  
  
Cid H.: I guess you'd best get set up then.  
  
Selphie (to Shera): Uh.....what kind of tunes you got here?  
  
Shera: We got roadhouse and basically Americana stuff.  
  
(Meanwhile the rest of the SeeDs stand before the stage,   
which is protected with chicken wire.)  
  
Zell: Chicken wire?  
  
(Much later in the night, the clientele assemble,   
from the townspeople in Rocket Town, to some of   
The Turks like Tseng and Elena, to much of the   
Ronsos and the Al Bhed and much of the FF10 cast.  
Selphie is at her drums, Quistis on her bass, Irvine  
and Zell on their guitars, Squall and Rinoa on their   
synths, and Cid and Edea Kramer and Ellone on  
their horns.)  
  
Selphie: Hey, Quisty, I don't know any of those tunes  
here.  
  
Quistis: So they're just requests. Let's do our  
standard set.  
  
Zell: Since I got the munchies for hot dogs, let's do   
Gimme Some Hot Dogs.  
  
Selphie: Fair 'nuff. All together now.  
  
(While they play to their parody of Gimme  
Some Lovin', Quistis addresses her words  
to the audience.)  
  
Quistis: Uh, good evening, we're The Blues  
SeeDs, an' we'll play for you, stuff like that.  
  
GIMME SOME HOT DOGS  
Parody of Gimme Some Lovin'  
Performed by Zell Dincht  
  
Zell:  
Well my stomach's been growlin'  
since I left for Esthar  
Eatin' Garden's hot dogs gets  
me goin' so far  
But it's time for me to tank up  
before they run out fast  
so let's get some ol' SeeD  
cuisine--while they can last  
So darlin'--let's get in line quick  
Let's get in line quick.  
Hey lady--gimme some hot dogs  
(Gimme some hot dogs)  
Gimme some hot dogs  
(Gimme some hot dogs)  
Gimme some hot dogs,  
everyday.  
  
(The crowd turns irate and starts   
booing, hissing, blowing raspberries,  
Bronx cheers and throwing glass bottles  
at the band, which shatter aganst the  
chicken wire screen.)  
  
Eigaar (from The Al Bhed Psyches  
blitzball team): Kad uvv dra cdyka!!  
(Get off the stage!!)  
  
Yuna: You stink!!  
  
Rikku: You suck!! You inhale!!  
  
Tseng: Hit the road, you bums!!  
  
Elena: PE-EU!! You got B. O.!!  
  
Wakka: You're worse than Mariah  
an' Celine put together, ja?!?  
  
(The noise attracts Cid H., who   
turns irate upon hearing the band.)  
  
Cid H. : That ain't no %@*#$^&  
Cristina Aguilera tune!!  
  
(Cid H. turns off the stage lights, causing  
the band to stop, while the raucous booing  
continues.)  
  
Zell: What happened to the lights?  
  
Irvine: Maybe we tripped the circut breakers.  
  
Ellone: Uh-uh, I think those lights were turned   
off on purpose.  
  
Selphie: Hooboy, we got to come up with   
somethin' these jokers like an' fast.  
  
Edea: Why don't we pay tribute to the  
one and only Cloud Strife?  
  
Cid K.: Which pitch?  
  
Squall: A minor 7th  
  
Quistis: You sure it ain't A  
diminished?  
  
Rinoa: Cloud Strife it is.  
  
(So the band plays their parody of  
The Theme From Rawhide, causing  
the boos to change to cheers, and   
Cid H. to turn the stage lights back  
on.)  
  
CLOUD STRIFE  
Parody of The Theme From Rawhide  
Performed by Selphie Tilmitt & Quistis  
Trepe  
  
Selphie:  
Slashin', slashin', slashin'  
with his Ultima Sword  
Who's the greatest SOLDIER?  
Cloud Strife.  
Tougher than bad weather,  
an' hell bent forever  
an' wishin' Aeris was by   
his side.  
All the stuff he is missin'  
like Tifa's booze an' kissin'  
but soon Cloud will hang ol'   
Seph to dry  
Spikey butt  
  
Quistis:  
Spikey butt....  
  
Selphie:  
Omnislash....  
  
Quistis:  
Omnislash....  
  
Selphie;  
AVALANCHE....  
  
Quistis:  
AVALANCHE....  
  
Selphie:  
Cloud Strife  
Nibelheim....  
  
Quistis:  
Nibelheim....  
  
Selphie:  
Sephiroth....  
  
Quistis:  
Sephiroth....  
  
Selphie:  
Aeris G. ,who just   
loves Cloud Strife!!  
  
Solo #1  
  
Selphie:  
Slashin', slashin', slashin'  
Kickin' Shinra's BUT-TOCKS  
an' givin' Rufus hard knocks,  
(it's) Cloud Strife  
Cloud always says, "Let's mosey, "  
while breakin' Hojo's nosey,  
while usin' his latest Limit Break  
Dealin' with Jenova,  
an' Sephy's Super Nova--  
how much mo' can our SOLDIER  
boy take?  
Spikey butt  
  
Quistis:  
Spikey butt....  
  
Selphie:  
Omnislash....  
  
Quistis:  
Omnislash....  
  
Selphie;  
AVALANCHE....  
  
Quistis:  
AVALANCHE....  
  
Selphie:  
Cloud Strife  
Nibelheim....  
  
Quistis:  
Nibelheim....  
  
Selphie:  
Sephiroth....  
  
Quistis:  
Sephiroth....  
  
Selphie:  
Aeris G. ,who just   
loves Cloud Strife!!  
  
Solo #2  
  
Selphie:  
Spikey butt  
  
Quistis:  
Spikey butt....  
  
Selphie:  
Omnislash....  
  
Quistis:  
Omnislash....  
  
Selphie;  
AVALANCHE....  
  
Quistis:  
AVALANCHE....  
  
Selphie:  
Cloud Strife  
Nibelheim....  
  
Quistis:  
Nibelheim....  
  
Selphie:  
Sephiroth....  
  
Quistis:  
Sephiroth....  
  
Selphie:  
Aeris G. ,who just   
loves Cloud Strife!!  
  
All:  
Slashin', slashin', slashin'....  
  
Selphie:  
Cloud Strife....  
  
All:  
CLOUD STRIFE!!!!  
  
(Needless to say, the crowd   
cheers, hoots and hollers while   
tossing their bottles. After they calm  
down, Rinoa addresses them.)  
  
Rinoa: Ok......the next tune is   
dedicated to Sorceresses an' their   
Knights galaxywide. Word.  
  
STAND BY YOUR KNIGHT  
Parody of Stand By Your Man  
Performed by Rinoa Heartily  
  
Rinoa:  
Sometimes it's hard to be a  
sorceress.  
Sometimes it's hard to   
date a knight.  
But when he saves you  
from that Iguion,  
then you know he  
is just right.  
  
All:  
Stand by your knight  
while you dance at the SeeD ball  
even if you're a whiner,  
even if your knight may trip an' fall  
Stand by your knight....  
  
Even when the band stops playing, the   
crowd cheers.)  
  
Rinoa: Uh, sorry, we don't remember all   
the words....BURRRRRRP!! Sorry, I did  
it again....  
  
(A few hours later, in the deserted roadhouse,  
Shera is cleaning up while Selphie and  
Quistis talk with Cid H.)  
  
Cid H.: I must say, you surprised me tonight.  
  
Selphie: Uh, sorry we couldn't remember all  
the words to Stand By Your Knight, let alone  
The Wreck Of The Ol' Tiny Bronco.  
  
Cid H.: Maybe next time.  
  
Quistis: So what 'bout our payment?  
  
Cid H.: OK, I owe you 800 gil, from which you  
owe me 400 gil from all those diet sodas you drank.  
  
Quistis: Wait, I thought the soda was complimentry,   
y' know, for the band....  
  
Cid H.: You out of your &$^*%@# mind?!? I  
run a business here!!  
  
Selphie: Well, why don't you 'low me an' Quisty   
here to head outside an' write a check for you?  
  
Cid H.: Just make it snappy!!  
  
(Outside the roadhouse, we see the rest of  
the SeeDs squabble.)  
  
Zell: Well....I may as well head back to the diner.  
  
Ellone: An' swallow your pride an' 'low Seifer to  
call you Chicken-Wuss?  
  
Squall: I say we give Quistis an' Selphie one last  
try, for the sake of our parody.  
  
Rinoa: Least it beats workin' in that swank restraunt.  
  
Irvine; Least you finally stopped belchin'. I told  
you it pays to use Rolaids.  
  
Cid K.: I was all for usin' Pepto Bismol.  
  
(Just then Quisitis and Selphie arrive.)  
  
Selphie: Why don't you all wait in The Ragnarok   
till we meet with you?  
  
Edea: As you wish.  
  
(No sooner do the rest of the SeeDs depart, Seltzer's  
blimp from Final Fantasy 6 lands outside of Rocket  
Town; soon Terra, Celes and Relm arrive.)  
  
Quistis: You The Returners?  
  
Terra: You betcha!! Name's Terra Branford, the  
drummer. The rest of our band is unloadin'  
our instruments.  
  
Celes: Hiya.  
  
Relm: Wassup?  
  
Selphie: Listen, we're with the union, an' we've   
been here checkin' out that joint, an' uh, we   
think it's way too sleazy an' unhealthful for you  
pretty pretties to play here.  
  
Terra: An' what's there to stop me an' my band?  
  
Celes: You're goin' to have a tough time eatin'  
corn on the cob after I use my Runic on your  
teeth.  
  
Relm: An' you know how much gil a set of  
false teeth costs.  
  
Quistis: Uh, we see your point. Listen, why don't  
we talk to Cid Highwind an' see what he says?  
  
Terra: OK. An' the sooner, the better.  
  
Celes: See if he's got any diet soda.  
  
Relm: An' nachos.  
  
(Quistis and Selphie head to the outskirts   
of Rocket Town just as Cid Highwind stops   
them.)  
  
Cid H.: 'Bout time I found you. Listen, you   
gals still owe me 400 gil for the $&*%@#$%^&*  
diet sodas you drank.  
  
Selphie: We know that. Y' see, we left our checkbook  
in our space craft, an' we got to get it, so we can sign   
it for what we owe you.  
  
Cid H.: Hop to it then.  
  
(The Blues SeeDs hightail it in The Ragnarok--  
and waste no time in closing the hatch and taking   
off for the night sky.)  
  
Cid H.: Hey you &*^%@#$ bimbos!! Come  
back here!!  
  
(At that moment, Terra, Celes and Relm arrive  
on the scene.)  
  
Terra: Them gals with the union?  
  
Cid H.: Union, my &^*%@#$ foot!! Those  
bimbos an' their band hightailed it on me, an'  
they owe me 400 gil in diet soda!! (pause) Who  
the %@#$&^* you supposed to be?!?  
  
Terra: We're The Returners.  
  
Cid H. : YOU'RE The Returners....?!!?  
  
(Scene #18: Night, over Cloud's planet.  
The Ragnarok is high in the sky, when  
a series of phaserbolts hit one side of  
the Estharian ship's sheild protected hull.)  
  
Selphie: Oh-oh....!! We got company!!  
  
(Coming on behind the Ragnarok is  
The Returners' airship, with Cid  
Highwind's Highwind alongside, both  
ships firing their weapons on the  
Ragnarok.)  
  
Quistis: Least it couldn't get much worse.  
  
(Just then, Selphie spots something ahead  
and freaks out.)  
  
Selphie: YIPE!! Galbadians!! Who was it that   
said it couldn't get much worse?!?  
  
(Sure enough, coming on ahead in a head on   
path is yet another squadron of Galbadian  
Thrace fighters.)  
  
Quistis: Can you do that same bit you did   
back in Deling City?  
  
Selphie: Why didn't I think of that?  
  
(So as before, while the Galbadians, the   
Highwind and Seltzer's ship open fire,  
the Ragnarok aims high, then takes off,  
resulting in the other ships firing on  
each other, exploding and crashing in   
the sea near the Costa Del Sol beach.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier #1: Not again!!  
  
(You can imagine the surprise from Cid H.,  
Terra, Celes, Relm and the rest of The  
Returners when a burnt out, worn out yet  
irate Galbadian soldier confronts them.)  
  
Galbadian Soldier #2: You're all in deep doo   
doo now....!!  
Next: Chapter 5: 'Da Big Night 


	5. Da Big Night

CHAPTER 5  
'Da Big Night  
  
(Scene #19: At Balamb Garden, which is en  
route to Esthar. In a steam room, where we  
see Quisitis and Selphie, along with Laguna,   
all wrapped in towels, on a bench, in the  
thick steam.)  
  
Laguna: So-------you want me to arrange a gig   
for you so's you can get General Caraway's tax   
money. I got to warn you, it ain't easy.  
  
Selphie: What ain't easy?  
  
Laguna: Payin' 4 million gil for repairs on our  
Lunar Base after that Lunar Cry demolished  
it. Then I owe Kiros and Ward 1200 gil after losin'  
to them at Triple Triad.  
  
Quistis: But you're the president of Esthar.  
You used to arrange the best gigs for  
me an' the rest of The Blues SeeDs, since that   
time we once played at Fishermans Horizon.  
  
Laguna: Maybe so, but the truth is, gigs like those,  
they're gettin' hard to arrange when it comes to divas,  
boy bands an' teen idols dominatin' nearly everything--  
everything but Uematsu sama.  
  
Selphie: Does General Caraway know 'bout the affair  
you once had with the late Julia Heartily, a.k.a. The  
Piano Lady?  
  
Laguna: STOP CALLIN' HER THE PIANO LADY!!!!  
(calms down) Uh....you wouldn't be blackmailin' me,  
would you?  
  
Quistis: What do you think? (hisses) Laguna, we NEED  
that gig....!!  
  
Laguna (after a pause): Maybe there IS a way....The  
Estharian Supreme Amphitheater, in The Esthar  
Hotel; it seats 806, 000, so that way, you can make  
not only the tax money, you can make extra gil on  
the side. But I doubt if you can get that many people  
in time, much less make that much money.  
  
Selphie: Not if we advertise the SeeD way. You just   
make the arrangements, Sir Laguna--we'll do the  
rest.  
  
Laguna: Youse got it then--I'll print the posters an' the   
tickets. Hop to it then.  
  
Quistis & Selphie: Thanks, Sir Laguna!!  
  
(The two SeeD gals kiss the Estharian prez on  
either face cheek before headin out the door;  
Cid K., Edea, Ellone and the rest of their fellow   
SeeDs--also wrapped in towels--follow them to   
the exit.)  
  
(Scene # 20: Balamb, day. We see Xu talking to  
a group of children near the town entrance.)  
  
Xu: As you may or may not know, The Blues   
SeeDs, a.k.a. Quistis Trepe an' Selphie Tilmitt,  
they're doin' their darndest to save all of Balamb,  
Galbadia an' Trabia Garden, so do what it takes  
to get these posters posted. Good luck.  
  
(Scene # 21: With Fats Domino's I Am Walkin'  
playing, the following montage takes place)  
  
(A: One of the children enters The Balamb Diner  
and gives a poster to Ma Dincht.)  
  
Child: Can you use that poster? It's a request   
from President Laguna.  
  
Ma Dincht: As in the president of Esthar?  
Sure.  
  
(After posting the poster on a wall, Ma  
Dincht looks up in prayer.)  
  
Ma Dincht: Good luck Zell.  
  
(B: Several people spread the word on   
the big show in turn, in different places.)  
  
The Big Bad Rascal: Hurry, hurry, hurry....  
  
The Mother Of The Big Bad Rascal: ....come  
one, come all....  
  
Martine: ....tonight at The  
Estharian Supreme Amphitheater, in The   
Esthar Hotel....  
  
The Shumi Elder: ....where tonight, The Blues   
SeeDs........  
  
The Shumi Elder's Attendant: ....Blues Review  
will be held........  
  
Watts: ........to benefit Balamb, Trabia and   
Galbadia Gardens. Tickets can be bought....  
  
Zone: ....for 20 gil, at all planetary locations   
everywhere........  
  
Doc Ondine:.......zo vhatever you do, it'z a  
night you muzt NOT mizz!! Be there or  
be Zhquare!!  
  
(C: In Fisherman's Horizon, Kiros posts a poster   
advertising the event outside his music store.)  
  
Kiros: Laguna.....I got a feelin' you had something to  
do with that.  
  
(D: In a bathroom, somewhere in Figaro Castle, on  
Terra's planet, Relm spots one of the posters, and  
points it out to Terra.)  
  
(E: Somewhere in the sky, a set of stereo speakers  
emerges from the underside of the Ragnarok; using  
a mike, Selphie calls out the following.)  
  
Selphie: OK, folks, tonight, at The  
Estharian Supreme Amphitheater, in The   
Esthar Hotel, in downtown Esthar, The  
Blues SeeDs Blues Revival is a show you've GOT to see!!  
Tickets cost 20 gil at all worldwide locations, so drop what  
you're doin', an check out the show of the century!! All  
invited....  
  
Quistis: ....and couples get 12% discount.....  
  
Selphie: .....and couples get 12% discount. So all of you, be there or  
be Square, er, make that Square Enix, to that effect. That is all.  
  
(End of montage.)  
  
(Scene #22: Inside the Raganrok's bridge. Selphie turns off the mike.)  
  
Selphie: Next stop, Esthar. (Guns the Ragnarok, until 12 seconds  
later, a red light flashes.)  
  
Selphie: Oh, foo--we're runnin out of fuel.  
  
Quistis: Another typical plot complication.  
  
(Scene #23: The Galbadia Desert, near a fueling depot. The   
Ragnarok lands nearby just as its manager comes out; from there,  
Selphie and Quistis head for the nearest pump.)  
  
Manager: Yo, ladies, we're out of fuel.  
  
Quistis: Say what?  
  
Manager: We ran out of fuel. That tank truck that was supposed   
to come by an' fill our main tanks is runnn' late. Those Galbadian  
fuel companies do it every time with runnin' late on purpose--just to   
annoy people like me.  
  
Selphie: Super Duper--  
  
Quistis: --Mega Bummer.  
  
(Scene #24: The Estharian Supreme Amphitheater,   
The Esthar Hotel, Esthar, night. Xu and the SeeDs   
stand upon the stage before the vast empty hall.)  
  
Zell: What a place....  
  
Irvine: I knew Laguna came through. I always dreamed of playin'  
here.  
  
Rinoa: BURRRRRRP!! (blushes) Sorry, it's gas.....guess  
I forgot my Rolaids.  
  
Squall: Whatever....  
  
Ellone: Shew, Rinoa, what chuu eatin', fire an brimstone?  
  
(One hour later, thousands of people--not to mention  
thousands of Galbadian Soldiers--show up. The outside of  
the hotel is surrounded by a thick nest of Galbadians; inside,  
we see the outer ring of the hall and the entrances all guarded  
by armed Galbadian Soldiers, standing shoulder to shoulder  
in an armed radius, ready to trap anyone careless. Nearby, at  
one of the tables, is Seifer, along with Raijin and Fujin. Also  
near the ring, is Terra and The Returners.)  
  
Seifer (to Raijin): Diet soda? (to Fujin) A diet soda? (To a  
nearby waitress) Three diet sodas!!  
  
(Meanwhile, on the stage, Xu peeks from behind the curtain.)  
  
Xu: It's a sellout. We'll knock them dead for sure. But the only   
thing is: WHERE IS SELPHIE AN' QUISTIS?!?  
  
Edea: Maybe they had a flat tire.  
  
Cid K. : On a spacecraft like The Ragnarok? Get a clue,   
Edea.  
  
Irvine: What a time for Selph to go cheesta chista.  
  
Ellone: That doesn't make sense.  
  
(Scene # 25: The fuel station in The Desert Of Galbadia, night.  
Selphie and Quistis stand idle by the fuel pump, when a rental  
car pulls up. behind the wheel is FF 10's Tidus.)  
  
Tidus: Hey, ladies. You makin' fuels of yourselves?  
  
Quistis: How can we, whe we ain't got no fuel?  
  
Selphie: An' they say there's no fuel like an old fuel. Say,  
you're kind familiar.  
  
Tidus: I should--I am Tidus, star of The Zanarkand Abes.  
  
Quistis: Sounds like a neat blues band.  
  
Tidus: You think we're a band? No, we ain't no band, we're  
a blitzball team, from planet Spira.  
  
Selphie: Blitzball? Sound like a rough trade.  
  
Tidus: Not at all. Blitzball is the #1 game on Spira, an'  
me and my team, we're stayin' at The Galbadia Hotel  
in Deling City.  
  
Quistis: I thought that hotel was demolished.  
  
Tidus: They rebuilt it since.  
  
(While Tidus chews the rag with Quistis, Selphie enters  
the station's store and buys some stuff, along with a can  
of spray glue.)  
  
Quistis (continued): 'Y know, I'd be most inerested in   
hanging with a sports superstar like you.  
  
Tidus: What the heck? It beats datin' Yuna. OK. Meet  
me at The Galbadia Hotel an' I'll show you an' your friend  
how to play blitzball....along with a lot of other stuff....  
  
Selphie: It's a date, I think.  
  
(Just then, the fuel truck shows up; behind the wheel is  
Galbadian Lt. Wedge.)  
  
Wedge: Sorry I was late, but some joker named Kefka  
stuck a whoopie cushion on my cab seat. Well, let's refill   
those station tanks.  
  
Selphie: An' let's refill OUR tanks an' hightail it to Esthar.  
  
Quistis: We'll take off faster than Rufus Shinra's pet  
panther, Dark Nation.  
  
Rufus' Voice: I BEG YOUR PARDON!!  
  
Next: Chapter 6: On With 'Da Show!! 


	6. On With 'Da Show!

CHAPTER 6:   
On With 'Da Show!!  
  
(Scene #26: The Estharian Supreme   
Amphitheater, The Esthar Hotel.  
The crowd gets impaitient, chanting, "We   
want the show!!", while Xu & co. pace behind the  
curtains.)  
  
Irvine: Well, what do we do now, throw  
ourselves at the mercy of the court?  
  
Squall: Let's not freak out just yet. Let's  
pay tribute to Lulu the black mage.  
  
Xu: I got dibs on singin' that tune.  
  
(In a few seconds, up goes the curtain, and   
we see Squall and co., along with Rinoa,   
Ellone, Cid and Edea in SeeD uniforms,  
the huge Esthar logo behind the band.  
While Squall uses a drum machine, the  
rest of the band plays while Xu sings.)  
  
LULU THE BLACK MAGE  
Parody of Minnie The Moocher  
Performed by Xu  
  
Xu:  
Now here's a story 'bout Lulu The  
Black Mage  
In downtown Besaid, she's all the  
rage  
With her dolls she casts a mean Ultima   
spell   
She was born to give ol' Seymour   
hell.  
Hi di hi, hi  
  
Audience:  
Hi di hi, hi  
  
Xu:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Audience:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Xu:  
She looked after a summoner  
named Yuna, who wasn't  
klutzy like Laguna  
  
Laguna: Hey, I resent that!!  
  
Xu (continued):  
She wore a black dress made of  
belts  
At least it wasn't made of leopard  
pelts.  
Hi di hi hi  
  
Audience:  
Hi di hi, hi  
  
Xu:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Audience:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Xu:  
She was in love with a dude   
named Chappu  
But he died fightin' Sin in  
a big fat snafu  
She sounds so sober when she talka  
They say she's got the hots for Wakka  
Hi di hi hi  
  
Audience:  
Hi di hi, hi  
  
Xu:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Audience:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Xu:  
She an' Wakka wed in FFX2  
Elvis married those lovebirds--  
well, who knew?  
She's got a daughter, but, wait,  
that ain't all--she's also a black  
mage, playin' blitzball.  
Hi di hi hi  
  
Audience:  
Hi di hi, hi  
  
Xu:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Audience:  
Oh Lulu  
  
Xu:  
Lulu....Lulu....Lulu....  
  
(The crowd gives out a thunderous  
cheer and applause while Seifer  
thumbs his nose and blows raspberries  
at the SeeDs; in the audience, we see   
Lulu grin while she blows kisses to the  
SeeDs.)  
  
Lulu: Imagine that--a tribute to me. (grins)  
  
(Scene #27: Esthar Airstation #7, night. Selphie   
and Quistis land there, and under cover of the  
night make their way past the Galbadian Soldiers  
before making a stop at Esthar Airstation #8, where  
Selzter's Returners' airship is parked.)  
  
Quistis: What now?  
  
Selphie: Wait here, it shouldn't take long. (Produces  
a spray can of glue.) In that can is the strongest spray   
glue.   
  
(Selphie sneaks inside the airshop, and sprays the  
accelerator pedal with the glue before she and Quistis  
hightail it for The Esthar Hotel, only to see the entrance  
clogged with Galbadian Soldiers.)  
  
Quistis: How do we get inside?  
  
Selphie: Maybe we could buy a ticket....? Better still....  
follow me....  
  
(Moments later, Selphie and Quistis head to the back of   
the hotel and bust a bathroom window before climbing in;  
once inside, after waiting for more Galbadians to pass,  
they enter the foyer, and peek through one of the curtained   
entrances to the amphitheater, past still more G-Soldiers  
to Xu. Selphie gives Xu a thumbs up sign and Xu gives her  
thumbs up before announcing to the audience.)  
  
Xu: And now....the moment you've all been waitin' for....  
so welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends....  
ladies and gentlemen....The Blues SeeDs!!  
  
(The curtain opens and we see the SeeDs in Blues Brothers   
togs, while Selphie mans her drums and Quistis takes up  
her bass. From there, The Blues SeeDs start the first tune.)  
  
Quistis (to the audience): We're so thankful to  
see so many of you lovely people, Final Fantasy   
characters, and Final Fantasy fans here tonight,  
and we would especially like to welcome all   
the representatives of Galbadia's Law Enforcement  
Community, a.k.a. The Galbadian Republic Army  
Dept., who have chosen to hang out here at The  
Estharian Supreme Amphitheater tonight.   
We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the show, and   
please remember people, the next time you're on   
one of those SeeD missions, don't forget to junction   
to a Guardian Force or two, or more. After all,   
everybody needs Guardian Forces. Sure, they   
foul up your memory, but, what the hey? Here's   
why....  
  
EVERYBODY NEEDS GUARDIAN FORCES  
Parody of Everybody Needs Somebody To Love  
Performed by Quistis Trepe & Selphie Tilmitt  
  
Quistis & Selphie:  
Everybody needs Guardian  
Everybody needs Guardian Forces  
(That can kick butt)  
Memories to lose (Memories to lose)  
Functions to use (Functions to use)  
Ultimecia,  
we'll all kick your butt,  
then we'll punch Adel  
with our G. F. bunch, in the mornin'  
Time Compression's here--  
there's no need to fear.  
  
Quistis:  
Here comes Shiva,  
an' good ol' Ifrit's here to stay  
Sexy Siren's on the scene  
An' ol' Diablos an Carbuncle make our day  
  
Selphie:  
Leviathan, an' Pandemona truly rule  
An' the Brothers kick BUT-TOCKS,  
while Cerberus an' Bahamut pity the 'foo.  
Ultimecia,  
we'll all kick your butt,  
then we'll punch Adel  
with our G. F. bunch  
Time Compression's here--  
there's no need to fear.  
  
Quistis:  
You know, there's a lot of G. F.'s  
you can meet, so we'll clue you in.  
There's Doomtrain and the Jumbo  
Cactaur....  
  
Selphie:  
....an' the Tonberry King an'   
Quezacotl....  
  
Quistis:  
....and last but not least, the  
one an' only Eden....!!  
  
Quistis & Selphie:  
Everybody needs Guardian  
Everybody needs Guardian Forces  
(That can kick butt)  
Memories to lose (Memories to lose)  
Functions to use (Functions to use)  
Ultimecia,  
we'll all kick your butt,  
then we'll punch Adel  
with our G. F. bunch, in the mornin'  
Time Compression's here--  
there's no need to fear.  
  
(Once again, another roar of appluse  
fills the theater.)  
  
Selphie: OK, the next tune is dedicated not  
only to my Irvy Kinnepoop, but also to my   
hometown, which almost got trashed by  
Galbadia's missiles.  
  
(And on with the tune)  
  
SWEET HOME TRABIA  
Parody of Sweet Home Chicago  
Performed by Selphie Tilmitt &   
Quistis Trepe  
  
Selphie:  
Come on  
Oh Irvy don't you say "Uh-uh."  
Come on  
Oh Irvy don't you say "Uh-uh."  
Let's go to my Garden  
Sweet home Trabia  
Come on  
Irvy don't you say "Uh-uh."  
Hidehey  
Irvy don't you say "Uh-uh."  
Head to that icy place  
Sweet home Trabia  
  
Quistis:  
Well, one an' one is two  
Six an' two is eight  
Come on you SeeDs,   
don't you make me late.  
  
Selphie & Quistis:  
Hidehey  
Irvy don't you say "Uh-uh."  
We're in that same 'ol place  
Sweet home Trabia  
  
Solo  
  
Selphie:  
Come on  
Irvy don't you say "Uh-uh."  
Back to that same 'ol place  
Sweet home Trabia  
  
Quistis:  
Six an' three is nine  
Nine an' nine is eighteen  
Look there, Selphie sweetie  
an' see what I've seen  
  
Selphie:  
Hidehey  
Seifer don't you say "Uh-uh"  
Back to that same 'ol place  
Sweet home Trabia  
  
Selphie & Quistis:  
Oh come on  
All you SeeDs don't say "Uh-uh"  
Hidehey  
All you SeeDs don't say "Uh-uh"  
Let's head for my home town  
Sweet home Trabia.  
  
(A standing ovation, with lots of  
cheering and applause await our   
heroines, while they and their   
fellow SeeDs approach the front of  
the stage and bow, to Seifer's chagrin.)  
  
Quistis: Thank you!! That is all!  
  
Selphie: Thank you an' good night!!   
WHOO-HOO!!  
  
(Right after the curtains close, Laguna  
approaches Selphie and Quistis with a   
huge bag of money.)  
  
Laguna: Congrats to you two!! Even   
after so many years you an' your SeeDs  
still bring home the bacon. We've got 1200  
million gil.  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! I knew we've still got it!!  
  
Quistis: How much we got after taxes?  
  
Laguna: We already paid the taxes, so we got   
plenty--over 700 million in gil.  
  
Quistis: OK--give me an' Selphie 70,000 gil  
so we can bring it to the GRS building in  
Deling City, give 12,000 gil to The Supreme   
Elegant Restraunt in Dollet, give 40,000  
gil to Ma Dincht in Balamb, 4,000 gil  
to Kiros' Music Store in Fisherman's  
Horizon, 400 gil to Cid Highwind in Rocket  
Town, 50,000 gil to Sakaguchi sama  
and the rest of Square, an' give the rest to   
the band.  
  
Laguna: Done. (Gives some huge stacks of  
bills to the SeeD gals.) You've got time to get   
to Deling City, but only if you and Selphie   
hurry.  
  
Selphie: Thanks--uh, is there another way   
out of here? Those Galbadian soldiers....  
  
Laguna: I wouldn't doubt that. There's a  
trap door behind your drum riser; it leads  
to a sewer, an' out to Esthar Airstation  
#7.  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! Thanks, Sir   
Laguna!!  
  
Quistis: Ditto!! (to the other SeeDs)  
Don't let it be said we didn't return the  
favor!!  
  
Squall, Ellone, Edea, Cid K. & Irvine:  
GOOD LUCK!!  
  
Zell: Better hurry!!  
  
Rinoa: BURRRRRRRRP!! Sorry, it's gas....  
  
(Quistis and Selphie head down the trap  
door while outside, Seifer is impatient.)  
  
Seifer: They SHOULD come out here  
sooner or later--something ain't right.  
  
Raijin: Maybe they headed out through  
a secret passage, y' know.  
  
Seifer: You got somethin' there!! (to a   
Galbadian Soldier) Alert the army!! They've  
just left the building!! At least we saw a good   
show though....  
  
Fujin: AFFIRMITIVE.  
  
Next: Chapter 7: My Lover Vinny 


	7. My Lover Vinny

CHAPTER 7:  
My Lover Vinny  
  
(Scene #28: The Estharian  
sewers. Quistis and Selphie   
hightail down the catwalk--  
only to stop short before   
Vincent, his rifle aimed at  
the SeeD gals.)  
  
Quistis: V-Vincent Valentine....?!?  
  
Vincent: At your service. So, you  
$^&*%@# so called Trepe Teacher  
had the gall to come back after you  
jilted me years ago!! First Lucreatia,   
and now you!!  
  
Quistis: Listen, I can explain....  
  
Vincent: Explain? That you left me  
for that Galbadian bastard Seifer  
Almasy?!?  
  
Quistis: That wasn't me that dated   
Seifer--it was Rinoa Heartily.  
  
Selphie: Hey, I remember that.  
  
Vincent: It WAS....?!? I didn't  
know that.  
  
Quistis: I'll prove it that I still   
care for you. (From there, she   
hugs and French kisses the  
former Turk full on the mouth,  
to Selphie's surprise, if not  
amusement.)  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! Go,  
Quisty!!  
  
(After the kiss, Quistis steps back.)  
  
Quistis: If you may pardon me, me  
an' Selphie got some crucial taxes  
to pay in Deling City.  
  
Selphie: An' the sooner, the better.   
See you, Vinny!!  
  
(From there, The Blues SeeDs  
run down the path when Vincent  
calls out.)  
  
Vincent: Hey you %@#*$^&!! You  
forgot to pay me my alimony!! Come  
back here!!  
  
(Even while Vincent shoots down   
the path the gals took with his rifle,  
Quistis and Selphie reach the end   
of the passage.)  
  
(Scene #29: The Esthar Airstation #7,  
night. Lifting up and out a section  
of sewer grating, our heroines run to  
the airstation and board the Ragnarok  
--2.3 seconds before a squad of G-Army  
troops patrol that section. Inside the  
bridge, Selphie adjusts the ship's  
controls.)  
  
Selphie: All set?  
  
Quistis: It's 106 miles to Deling City.  
We got a full tank of fuel, 70,000 gil,  
an' peace of mind. Hit it.  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! We're flyin'!!  
  
(With that in mind, Selphie pilots the  
Ragnarok up and out from Esthar--just   
before Seifer spots it.)  
  
Seifer: It's the %@#*$^& Ragnarok!!  
STOP THEM!!!!!!!!  
  
(Even while the Galbadian troops open  
fire, and their bullets ricochet off the   
Ragnarok's energy sheild, the  
Estharian dragon ship is rocketing off  
into the night sky. As such, Seifer  
pulls out a comlink unit, shaped like  
a cell phone.)  
  
Seifer: Attention, attention, to all of The  
Republic Of Galbadia Army Dept!! The   
Ragnarok is on the loose in the skies!!  
Send EVERYTHING you got after it, or  
no pinball in the rec room!! (pause) What?!?  
Imogene's Delicatessen?!? You got the wrong   
number!! (muttering) Dumb party line!!  
  
Next: Chapter 8: The Chase Is On!! 


	8. The Chase Is On!

CHAPTER 8:  
The Chase Is On!!  
  
(Scene # 30: several yards from   
Deling City, daybreak. The   
Ragnarok is hurtling through the sky--  
followed by billions of Galbadians   
everywhere; in the midst of it all,   
we see Galbadia Garden flying nearby.   
At its highest terrace, is Seifer, who   
talks into his comlink.)  
  
Seifer: Attention to The Galbadian  
Republic Army Dept.--use of excessive  
force on The Blues SeeDs is approved--  
or words to that effect.  
  
(All over the planet, following the G-Garden,  
pursuing the Ragnarok, we see countless  
Galbadian Thrace fighters, Paratrooper fliers,  
G-Soldiers on motorcycles, BGH251F2s and  
jet powered G-Army boats and submarines--  
their quarry, Quistis and Selphie. On a road,   
on the outskirts of Timber, two jeeps; Sephiroth,   
Adel, Ultimecia and Rufus in one, Seymour,   
Kefka, Corneo, Hojo and NORG in the other.   
In a second, they see the Ragnarok streak past   
the sky above the villians.)  
  
NORG: Fushifuru, fushifuru........IT'S-THAT-  
RAGNAROK!! DARN-THOSE-BLUES-SeeDs!!  
  
Corneo: Hohihi!! Let's get those chickies!!  
  
Kefka: Son of a submariner!! Victory is ours!!  
  
Rufus: What do you mean, "ours"?  
  
Seymour: Death awaits them!!  
  
Hojo: Let's get it on!!  
  
Sephiroth: They've had it for sure!! CHARGE!!  
  
Ultimecia: We kan't!! We forgot to bring our  
kredit kards!!  
  
Adel (to Ultimecia): Why don't you get a life?  
(to Sephiroth) ONWARD!!  
  
(The villians gun ther jeeps and chase the   
Ragnarok. Meanwhile, The Returners' blimp  
enters the scene, in hot pursuit.)  
  
Terra: There's the Ragnarok!! Let's get them!!  
(to Seltzer) Full speed!!  
  
(Seltzer slams his foot on the pedal--and the blimp  
is heading way too fast.)  
  
Celes: HEY!! Not so fast!!  
  
Seltzer: The pedal's stuck--an' so's my foot!!  
  
Relm: Well unstick it!!  
  
(In his efforts to pry the pedal loose, Seltzer  
loses control of his blimp, which crashes into  
the side of Galbadia Garden. In seconds, it  
doesn't take long for The Returners to be  
confronted by a grim faced Seifer Almasy.)  
  
Seifer: First Balamb Garden, an' now you   
jokers!! Who taught you how to drive?  
  
Seltzer: Just your avarage drunk driver,  
I guess.  
  
(Scene #31: The canyon between Timber  
and Galbadia, day. With The Ride Of The  
Valkyries playing in the background, the  
jeeps driven by our fave Final Fantasy  
villians follow the Ragnarok--in fact, they're  
so bent on their chase, they don't look where   
they're going, and drive up an incline up one  
of the flat moutains, till they plumment over  
the edge. Upon discovering their goof, the   
villians almost freak out--that is, all but   
Sephiroth and Adel, the former turning to   
the latter.)  
  
Sephiroth: You know, I truly love you.  
  
Adel: Seph, you sweet talker, you. I love   
you too.  
  
(Soon after that, the jeeps fall into a  
river filled ravine and make two huge   
splashes. A second later, Seymour   
climbs out from the water, followed by   
his fellow despots.)  
  
Seymour: Next time, we'll take the train.  
  
(Scene #32: Deling City, day. The Ragnarok   
streaks over the buildings, the G-Army after   
them, some of them crashing into each  
other from time to time. Passing by the rebuilt  
Galbadia Hotel, no one notices an impatient  
Tidus, waiting for Quistis and Selphie--that is,  
until Rikku shows up; from there, she and Tidus  
enter the hotel arm in arm.)  
  
Tidus: I hope Yuna is takin' notes....  
  
(Scene #33: Deling City, The GRS building, day.  
Thousands of Galbadian Thrace fighters,  
Paratroopers, motorcycles and BGH251F2s  
chase the Ragnarok--till it lands outside  
The GRS building. Upon climbing out, the  
SeeDs head for the entrance--and that  
is when the dragon ship falls  
apart in a junkheap.)  
  
Selphie: I guess that Ragnarok just couldn't  
take it.  
  
Quistis: Let's go!!  
  
(Entering the building, the gals prop up   
anything they get against the doors, then   
head to the main foyer, where they see an   
officer at a desk.)  
  
Quistis: Where's the section where you pay   
your taxes?  
  
Officer: On the 12th floor, across from the elevators.  
  
Selphie: Thanks. (She and Quistis head down the  
hall, while outside, the building is surrounded by   
Galbadians, some of its Paratroopers scaling the   
building walls downward, some banging and breaking   
through the barracaded entrance; it's that particular  
group that is now headed by Seifer, Raijin and Fujin.  
Right now, upon entering, they head for the officer  
at the desk.)  
  
Seifer: Did you see two female SeeDs wearing Blues  
Brothers togs?  
  
Officer: I just sent them to the 12 floor.  
  
Seifer: Thanks. (to the Galbadian Soldiers)  
LET'S GO!!   
  
(From there, Seifer and co. storm off. Meanwhile,  
with a muzak version of Odeka De Chocobo  
playing on the elevator speakers, Quistis and  
Selphie ascend to the 12 floor, where upon   
exiting, the former holds open the elevator doors   
till the latter casts a Thundaga spell on the control  
panel, shorting it out.)  
  
Selphie: Now for the door.  
  
As before, the gals barracade the stairwell door   
with a bench, some Moogle dolls and a few trash   
cans. From there, they head for the payment office  
section, where behind a counter is Galbadian Major   
Biggs.)  
  
Major Biggs: Uh....can I help you?  
  
(Selphie produces the money and sets it in the   
counter.)  
  
Selphie: Here's 70,000 gil to pay off the taxes on   
Balamb, Galbadia and Trabia Gardens. Did we   
make it in time?  
  
Major Biggs: What do you think? Anyhoo, what  
you got is 70,000 gil, an' as the sayin' goes,  
money talks. OK, youse got a deal.  
  
Quistis: I hope Square appriciates what we do  
for SeeD.  
  
(Scene #34: The GRS building, the stairway.  
Seifer and the G-Troops charge up the stairs till  
they reach the 12th floor, only to discover the  
barricaded door. However, it doesn't stop the  
overcoated Sorceress Knight from unsheathing   
his Hyperion Gunblade and turning   
loose his Fire Cross limit break on the door,   
shattering it and the barracade to pieces.   
From there, he and the G-Troops break   
through and storm the hallway. )  
  
Seifer: Remember all of you--those that wanna   
head for the bathroom on the way, raise you hand.  
  
(Scene #35: The GRS building, the payment office. After  
taking the money, Major Biggs gives a slip of paper  
to Selphie and Quistis.)  
  
Major Biggs: It's official. The taxes just got paid.  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!! We saved the Gardens!!  
  
Quistis: Whoo-hoo is right, girl. Guess we're set   
for life.  
  
(Suddenly the sounds of weapons clicking along  
with Seifer's voice take the gals by surprise.)  
  
Seifer: I'll say you're set for life--back in The  
D-District Prison, so the story goes!!  
  
Quistis & Selphie: YIPE!!!!!!!!  
  
(Needless to say, we see thousands of   
Galbadian Soldiers, their weapons drawn   
and aimed at a shocked Quistis and Selphie.   
Among the G-Troops, flanked by Raijin   
and Fujin, his Gunblade drawn out and  
aimed, is Seifer.)  
  
Seifer: All too easy.  
  
Raijin: Seifer, you're goin' to get a medal,   
y' know.  
  
Quistis: Somethin' tells me our victory is a   
bittersweet one.  
  
Selphie: Bet heavily on it, sweetie.  
  
Fujin: QUISTIS, SELPHIE, GAME  
OVER.  
  
Next: 9th & Last Chapter: Epilogue:  
Galbadian Justice. 


	9. Epilogue: Galbadian Justice

9TH & LAST CHAPTER:  
Epilogue: Galbadian Justice  
  
(36th & last scene: The Galbadia   
D-District Prison, inside the central   
shaft. Billions of Galbadian troops  
patrol the sections, maintaining a  
heavy guard over Selphie, Quistis,  
Zell, Irvine, Squall, Edea, Cid K.,   
Ellone and Rinoa, ready to play   
their instruments; behind them is   
the Galbadian logo surrounded by   
the words, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!  
TO TURN EVIL. On the other side of   
the vast level, again flanked by Raijin  
and Fujin, a platnum medal pinned on  
his coat, is a smug Seifer. In one hand,  
is a wireless mike.)  
  
Seifer (into the mike): Live from   
Galbadia, it's Saturday Night!!  
  
Quistis (murmuring): At least they  
got rid of the pepper steak for diet  
soda an' nachos.....  
  
Selphie: You said it. (to all the SeeDs)  
All together now!!  
  
(And so the SeeDs play the big finale number.)  
  
D-DISTRICT'S ROCK  
Parody of Jailhouse Rock  
Performed by (in order of appearence)   
Quistis Trepe, Selphie Tilmitt, Squall  
Leonheart, Irvine Kinneas, Zell Dincht,  
Cid & Edea Kramer, Rinoa Heartily,  
Ellone & Laguna Loire, Seifer Almasy,  
Raijin & Fujin, Ma Dincht, Kiros   
Seagill, Xu, General Caraway, The   
Returners, The Rogues Gallery,   
some of AVALANCHE & Cid  
Highwind & co.  
  
Quistis:  
Ol' Seifer threw a party in D-District's  
jail.....  
  
Selphie:  
......The Blues SeeDs did their best when  
they began to wail....  
  
Squall:  
....an' all the captives here throughout the  
prison block....  
  
Irvine:  
....invented a new craze called D-District Rock  
  
Zell:  
So let's rock!! Everyone, let's rock!!  
  
Cid K.:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
Edea:  
Here comes the brunette sweetie whose  
name is Ellone, who's doin' her utmost  
to play her slide trombone....  
  
Rinoa:  
......BURRRRP!! Selphie Tilmitt's  
drums go CRASH!! BOOM!! BANG!!  
The rythym section here is the orphanage  
gang.  
  
Ellone:  
So let's rock!! Everyone, let's rock!!  
  
Laguna:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
Seifer:  
It was Irvine that would say to ol'  
Selphie:  
"You're the cutest Trabian I ever  
did see....  
  
Rajin:  
....I'd sure love the pleasure of your   
company, if you did a Garden Festival  
with me, y' know."  
  
Fujin:  
SO LET'S. ROCK!! EVERYONE. LET'S.   
ROCK!!  
  
Ma Dincht:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
Kiros:  
Poor ol' Rinoa was sittin' like a stone,  
at tonight's SeeD ball weepin' all  
alone....  
  
Xu:  
Cid Kramer said, "Rinoa, don't you  
diss ol' Square--you know that Seifer  
ditched you, so why should you care?"  
  
General Caraway:  
So let's rock!! Everyone let's rock!!  
  
The Returners:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
Sephiroth:  
Quistis turned to Zell and said,  
"For ol' Hyne's sake!!....  
  
Rufus:  
....The G-Army's dancin' so let's   
make a break!!"  
  
Adel:  
But Zell just turned to Quistis,  
an' he said, "Nix, nix....  
  
Ultimecia:  
.....I wanna eat my hot dogs  
just to get my kiks."  
  
NORG:  
SO-LET'S-ROCK!! EVERYONE-  
LET'S-ROCK!! Fushururu!!  
  
Seymour, Hojo, Corneo & Kefka:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Zack, Reno &  
Yuffie:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
Major Biggs, Lt. Wedge, Tidus,  
Rikku, Yuna, Lulu, Wakka, Elena,  
Tseng, Shera, Cid Highwind, &  
the rest of the roadhouse patrons:  
Everyone in the prison block, was  
dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
  
All:  
Dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
Rock, Rock, Rock.  
Dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
Rock, Rock, Rock.  
Dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
Rock, Rock, Rock.  
Dancin' to D-District's Rock.  
Rock, Rock, Rock.  
  
(When the tune finishes, it's no wonder  
there is a lot of of deafening cheers and  
applause.)  
  
Raijin: You're right, Seifer--that WAS a  
good blues show, y' know.  
  
Seifer: Not bad for two bimbos.  
  
Fujin: AFFIRMITIVE.  
  
OWARI (THE END)  
  
Endnotes:  
  
I hope I did my best to parody The  
Blues Brothers for the FF8 universe.  
All I can say is: I did my best. I don't  
think I might repeat that trick with   
The Blues Brothers 2000, unless I get   
a lot of requests. But then again, I didn't  
see the sequel yet, only the first film.  
  
And now, the cast conversion, in case you didn't  
get the idea behind my parody:  
  
Jake & Elwood Blues  
(Quistis Trepe & Selphie Tilmitt  
respectively)  
The mean nun, which I don't know  
her name (General Caraway)  
The friend of Jake & Elwood played by  
the late Cab Calloway (Xu)  
Jake's weapon toting lover,  
played by Carrie Fisher (Vincent  
Valentine)  
The Blues Brothers Band (Irvine,  
Kinneas, Rinoa Heartily, Cid & Edea  
Kramer & Ellone Loire)  
The trumpeter turned waiter  
(Squall Leonheart)  
Matt "Guitar" Murphy  
(Zell Dincht)  
Aretha Franklin's role  
(Ma Dincht)  
The Neo Nazi group  
(Sephiroth, Rufus Shinra, Hojo,  
Corneo, Kefka Palazzo, NORG,  
Adel, Ultimecia & Seymour)  
The police officer, played by the late  
John Candy (Seifer Almasy)  
Bob of Bob's County Bunker  
(Cid Highwind)  
The Good Ol' Boys  
(The Returners)  
The man that got The Palace Hotel  
for The Blues Brothers (Laguna  
Loire)  
Twiggy's character (Tidus)  
  
You get the idea, eh?  
  
--Ronin 


End file.
